Nervous

Most people don't believe me but I am really very shy. I'm shy to the point of seeming stuck-up sometimes cause sometimes I'll see a neighbour or whatever and go out of my way to avoid them, not because I don't like them but because I'm too shy talking to people sometimes. What if they don't know who I am? What if I say the wrong thing? What if they don't like me? It's very difficult.

This month the woman who is in charge of making sandwiches to be sent into Vancouver's East side is on holidays. I got an email saying "Shirley's in charge." What?? Oh my. People have way too much confidence in me; I guess because I can be friendly, and I like to help, but I never let people get close enough to me to really know me. Most of the people I loved are gone now starting with my dad when I was 13. It hurts too much when they leave me and so as a defensive mechanism somewhere along the line I decided not to get too emotionally involved cause no matter who they are they are going to leave me at some point. The only problem I've had since was when my mom died. As for the others I cried when they went but my grief doesn't last too long.

Anyway, this hooks into my shyness that I've had forever, I was born that way. I got a call on Thursday from the woman who is going to take the sandwiches downtown... not something a lot of people from out here in the sticks are willing to do. She can't do it on the 19th, our regular scheduled day, but she can do it on Monday. So I decided to call everyone to see if they could come on the 12th instead of the 19th.

The phone calls were hard. When I was a secretary I had to make phone calls and I was okay with it but that was my job and it wasn't personal, it was business. I'm always glad when I get an answering machine cause then I can leave a message that way and they can call me back if they want - at their convenience, I won't be bothering them.

On the other hand, being summer a lot of the regulars are away. I did manage to find 5 other women to help but 8 or 9 would be better. Plus there may be people who are still expecting it to be the 19th that want to join in that I don't know about.

So tomorrow I have to go to church, something I don't do in the summer cause there's only one service at 10am. A lot of them are from a different service than I go to cause we have a joint one in the summer so I don't know them. But I called the minister and asked if he could announce the change and ask for help. Unfortunately he likes the church to be more like a family. He doesn't consider himself "in charge". He's just one of us. Therefore I have to go up to the front and tell everyone about the change and make my own appeal for helpers. I don't want to do it. I was a wreck when I had to do the offering. I was sure I'd trip or drop a plate or something. I never volunteer for that anymore. I like to be behind the scenes. I like making things for the bazaar here at home. I like helping make sandwiches but not be in charge. Argh. So I've been kind of frozen with fear the last couple of days.

It's funny how sometimes we don't see ourselves as others see us. I went to family week at a rehab center one time. At the end of the week they have a get together of all the people there and have speeches from the men leaving (this was a male rehab). When they asked if anyone from the family group would speak our leader said yes, Shirley. What?? I was petrified! I didn't know any of these people and I had to get up in front of them and give a little speech off the cuff? Yikes! Afterwards one of the women that had been in our group said "I didn't know you'd prepared a speech." I didn't prepare a speech. I didn't even remember what I said. But it must have been good cause the head of the center asked me if I'd come back once a month to hold an afternoon session with the family group. I said no. We lived about 2 1/2 hours from this place and I had a hard enough time getting there for this one week because of my panic and anxiety attacks.

So I know I can do it. Maybe I'm better if someone asks me to speak when I'm not expecting it. Then my conscious floats away and my unconscious comes up with the right words. But I sure don't *want* to do it.

I'm having another few Jane Austen days. DH is away for a few days at an airshow so I get to watch my favorite movies. Actually since it hasn't been long since I had my Jane Austen week I only had 2 movies to watch that I hadn't seen recently. I have Masterpiece Theatre's Emma and Mansfield Park. They were well done but I guess to fit into their time slot there was a lot missing that was in the books. Especially Mansfield Park was missing one of the key points. They were good though. If I hadn't read the books I wouldn't have missed the parts. DH may stay an extra day and since I'm out of Jane Austen I think I'll start early and watch Anne of Green Gables which I haven't seen for awhile. It's a 2 disc set so a long movie. I need to get some handwork going this afternoon.

It clouded over last night and was cooler for sleeping and it feels a lot cooler today. It's only a couple of degrees cooler but there is a slight breeze which makes a difference and it's not so hot in the sun.

The thing with Gratitudes is sometimes you have to fake it til you make it. So my gratitude for today is that I have challenges in my life that help me overcome my fears.